Few things compare to the pain of losing someone you love. While there’s no way to avoid intense feelings of grief, there are healthier ways to come to terms with your loss.
What is bereavement? Bereavement is the grief and mourning experience following the death of someone important to you. While it’s an inevitable part of life—something that virtually all of us go through at some point—losing someone you love can be one of the most painful experiences you’ll ever have to endure.
Whether it’s a friend, spouse, partner, parent, child, or other relatives, the death of a loved one can feel overwhelming. You may experience waves of intense and very difficult emotions, ranging from profound sadness, emptiness, and despair to shock, numbness, guilt, or regret. You might rage at the circumstances of your loved one’s death—your anger focused on yourself, doctors, other loved ones, or God. You may even find it difficult to accept the person is really gone, or struggle to see how you can ever recover and move on from your loss.
Bereavement isn’t
limited to emotional responses, either. Grief at the death of a loved one can
also trigger physical reactions, including weight and appetite changes,
difficulty sleeping, aches and pains, and an impaired immune system leading to
illness and other health problems.
The level of support
you have around you, your personality, and your own levels of health and
well-being can all play a role in how grief impacts you following bereavement.
But no matter how much pain you’re in right now, it’s important to know that
there are healthy ways to cope with the anguish and come to terms with your
grief. While life may never be quite the same again, in time you can ease your
sorrow, start to look to the future with hope and optimism, and eventually move
forward with your life.
Understanding the grief of losing a loved one
The intensity of your feelings often depends on the circumstances of your loved one’s death, how much time you spent anticipating their loss, your relationship to them, and your previous experiences of bereavement.
In short, the more
significant the person was in your life and the more feelings you had for
them—regardless of their relationship to you—the greater the impact their loss
is likely to have.
Losing a spouse or partner
In addition to the
emotional impact of grief, when you lose a spouse or romantic partner, you
often have to deal with the stress of practical considerations such as funeral
arrangements and financial issues, too. You may also have to explain your spouse’s death to your children and
find a way to comfort them while simultaneously dealing with your own heartache.
Losing a spouse also means grieving the loss of your daily lifestyle, the loss of a shared history, and the loss of a future planned together. You may feel alone, despairing, and worried about the future. You could even feel guilty about somehow having failed to protect your partner, or angry at your loved one for leaving you.
Losing a friend
Close friendships
bring joy, understanding, and companionship into our lives. In fact, they’re
vital to our health and well-being, so it’s no wonder we can feel their loss so
gravely.
When a close friend
dies, though, it’s easy to feel marginalized, the closeness of your
relationship not given the same significance as a family member or romantic
partner. This can lead to what’s called disenfranchised grief, where your loss is
devalued or you feel judged or stigmatized for feeling the loss so deeply.
Losing someone to
suicide
The shock following a suicide can seem overwhelming. As well as
mourning the loss of your loved one, you may also be struggling to come to
terms with the nature of their death and the stigma that suicide can still
carry.
While you may always be left with some unanswered questions about
your loved one’s suicide, there are ways to resolve your grief and even gain
some level of acceptance.
Grieving your loss
Whatever your
relationship to the person who died, it’s important to remember that we all
grieve in different ways. There’s no single way to react. When you lose someone
important in your life, it’s okay to feel how you feel. Some people express
their pain by crying, others never shed a tear—but that doesn’t mean they feel
the loss any less.
Don’t judge yourself,
think that you should be behaving in a different way, or try to impose a
timetable on your grief. Grieving someone’s death takes time. For some people,
that time is measured in weeks or months, for others it’s in years.
Allow yourself to feel. The bereavement and mourning process can
trigger many intense and unexpected emotions. But the pain of your grief won’t
go away faster if you ignore it. In fact, trying to do so may only make things
worse in the long run. To eventually find a way to come to terms with your
loss, you’ll need to actively face the pain. As bereavement counselor and
writer Earl Grollman put it, “The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
Grief doesn’t always move through stages. You may have read about the different “stages of grief”—usually denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, many people find that grief following the death of a loved one isn’t nearly that predictable. For some, grief can come in waves or feel more like an emotional rollercoaster. For others, it can move through some stages but not others. Don’t think that you should be feeling a certain way at a certain time.
Prepare for painful
reminders. Some days the pain
of your bereavement may seem more manageable than others. Then a reminder such
as a photo, a piece of music, or a simple memory can trigger a wave of painful
emotions again. While you can’t plan ahead for such reminders, you can be
prepared for an upcoming holiday, anniversary, or birthday that may reignite
your grief. Talk to other friends and family ahead of time and agree on the
best ways to mark such occasions.
Moving on doesn’t mean
forgetting your loved one.
Finding a way to continue forward with your life doesn’t mean your pain will
end or your loved one will be forgotten. Most of us carry our losses with us
throughout life; they become part of who we are. The pain should gradually
become easier to bear, but the memories and the love you had for the person
will always remain.
Seek support
When you lose someone
you love, it’s normal to want to cut yourself off from others and retreat into
your shell. But this is no time to be alone. Even when you don’t feel able to
talk about your loss, simply being around other people who care about you can
provide comfort and help ease the burden of bereavement.
Reaching out to those
who care about you can also be an important first step on the road to healing.
While some friends and relatives may be uncomfortable with your grief, plenty
of others will be eager to lend support. Talking about your thoughts and
feelings won’t make you a burden. Rather, it can help you make sense of your
loved one’s death and find ways to honor their memory.
Lean on friends and
family. Even those closest
to you can struggle to know how to help during a time of bereavement, so don’t
hesitate to tell others what you need—whether it’s helping with funeral
arrangements or just being around to talk. If you don’t feel you have anyone
you can lean on for support at this difficult time, look to widen your social
network and build new friendships.
Focus on those who are
“good listeners”. When you’re grieving
the loss of a close friend or family member, the most important thing is to
feel heard by those you confide in. But the raw emotion of your grief can make
some people very uncomfortable. That discomfort can cause them to avoid you,
say thoughtless or hurtful things, or lose patience when you talk about your
loss. Don’t use their actions as a reason to isolate, though. Turn to those who
are better able to listen and provide comfort.
Join a bereavement
support group. Even when you have
support from those closest to you, family and friends may not always know the
best ways to help. Sharing your grief with others who have experienced similar
losses can help you feel less alone in your pain. By listening to others share
their stories, you can also gain valuable coping tips. To find a support group in your area, contact nearby
hospitals, funeral homes, or counseling centers, or call a bereavement hotline
listed below.
Talk to a bereavement
counselor. If you’re struggling
to accept your loss or your grief feels overwhelming, try talking to a bereavement or grief therapist—in-person or via
video conferencing online. Confiding in a professional can help you work
through emotions that may be too difficult to share with family or friends,
deal with any unresolved issues from your loved one’s death, and find healthier
ways to adapt to life following your loss.
Draw comfort from your
religion. If you’re religious,
the specific mourning rituals of your faith can provide comfort and draw you
together with others to share your grief. Attending religious services, reading
spiritual texts, praying, meditating, or talking to a clergy member can also
offer great comfort and help you derive meaning from your loved one’s death.
Using social media for
grief support
Memorial pages on Facebook and other social media sites have
become popular ways to inform a wide audience of a loved one’s passing and to
find support. As well as allowing you to impart practical information, such as
funeral plans, these pages allow friends and loved ones to post their own
tributes or condolences. Reading such messages can often provide comfort for
those grieving the loss.
Of course, posting sensitive content on social media has its
risks. Memorial pages are often open to anyone. This may encourage people who
hardly knew the deceased to post well-meaning but inappropriate comments or
advice. Worse, memorial pages can also attract Internet trolls. There have been
many well-publicized cases of strangers posting cruel or abusive messages on
memorial pages.
To gain some protection on Facebook, for example, you can opt to
create a closed group rather than a public page. This means people have to be
approved by a group member before they can access the memorial. It’s also
important to remember that while social media can be a useful tool for reaching
out to others, it can’t replace the face-to-face support you need at this time.
Celebrate your loved one’s life
Rituals such as a
funeral or memorial service can fulfill important functions, allowing you to
acknowledge and reflect on the person’s passing, remember their life, and say
goodbye. In the period after a funeral, however, your grief can often become
even more intense. Often, other people may appear to have moved on, while
you’re left struggling to make sense of your “new normal”.
Remembering your loved
one doesn’t have to end with the funeral, though. Finding ways of celebrating
the person you loved can help maintain their memory and provide comfort as you
move through the grieving process.
Keep a journal or
write a letter to your loved one. Saying the things you never got to say to your loved one in
life can provide an important emotional release and help you make sense of what
you’re feeling.
Create a memorial. Building a memorial to your loved one,
creating a website or blog, or compiling a photo album or scrapbook to
highlight the love you shared can help promote healing. Planting flowers or a
tree in your loved one’s memory can be particularly rewarding, allowing you to
watch something grow and flourish as you tend to it.
Build a legacy. Starting a campaign or fundraiser in your
loved one’s name, volunteering for a cause that was important
to them, or donating to a charity they supported, for example, can help you
find meaning in their loss. It can also add a sense of purpose as you move
forward with your own life.
Continue to do things
you used to do together.
Perhaps you used to go to sports events with your loved one, listen to music,
or take long walks together? There’s comfort in routine, so when it’s not too
painful, continuing to do these things can be a way to mark your loved one’s
life.
Remember your loved
one in simple ways. Even simple acts
such as lighting a candle, visiting a favorite place, or marking an important
date can help the healing process.
Take care of yourself
When you’re grieving
the death of a loved one, it’s easy to neglect your own health and welfare. But
the stress, trauma, and intense emotions you’re dealing with at the moment can
impact your immune system, affect your diet and sleep, and take a heavy toll on
your overall mental and physical health.
Neglecting your
well-being may even prolong the grieving process and make you more susceptible
to depression or complicated grief. You’ll also find it harder to provide
comfort to children or other vulnerable family members who are also grieving.
However, there are simple steps you can take to nurture your health at this
time.
Manage stress. It’s probably the last thing you feel like
doing at the moment, but exercising is a powerful antidote to
stress—and can help you sleep better at night. Relaxation techniques such as deep
breathing, meditation, and yoga are also effective ways to ease anguish and
worry.
Spend time in nature. Immersing yourself in nature and spending
time in green spaces can be a calming, soothing experience when you’re
grieving. Try gardening, hiking, or walking in a park or woodland.
Pursue interests that
enrich your life. Hobbies, sports, and
other interests that add meaning and purpose to your life can bring a
comforting routine back to your life following the upheaval of bereavement.
They can also help connect you with others and nurture your spirit.
Eat and sleep well. Eating a healthy diet and getting enough rest at night
can have a huge impact on your ability to cope with grief. If you’re struggling
to sleep at this difficult time, there are supplements and sleep aids that may be able
to help—just try not to rely on them for too long.
Avoid using alcohol or
drugs to cope. While it’s tempting
to use substances to help numb your grief and self-medicate your pain, in the long run
excessive alcohol and drug use will only hamper your ability to grieve. Try
using HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit as a
healthier way to manage your emotions.
When the pain of bereavement doesn’t ease up
You may never truly
get over the death of someone you love. But as time passes, it’s normal for
difficult emotions such as sadness or anger to gradually ease as you begin to
accept your loss and move forward with your life.
However, if you aren’t
feeling better over time, or your pain is getting worse, it may be a sign that
your grief has developed into a more serious problem, such as complicated grief
or major depression.
Grief vs. depression
Distinguishing between
grief and depression isn’t always easy as they share
many symptoms, but there are ways to tell the difference:
- Grief can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of
emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the
grieving process, you will still have moments of pleasure or happiness. - With depression, on the other
hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.
Other symptoms that
suggest depression, not just grief, include:
- Intense, pervasive sense of guilt.
- Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation
with dying. - Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.
- Slow speech and body movements.
- Inability to function at home, work, or
school. - Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there.
What is complicated grief?
While the sadness of
losing someone you love never goes away completely, it shouldn’t remain center
stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from
resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated
grief or persistent complex bereavement disorder.
Complicated grief is
like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble
accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the
person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other
relationships.
Symptoms of complicated grief include:
- Intense longing and yearning for your deceased
loved one. - Intrusive thoughts or images of the person.
- Denial of the death or sense of disbelief.
- Imagining that your loved one is alive.
- Searching for the deceased in familiar places.
- Avoiding things that remind you of your loved
one. - Extreme anger or bitterness over your loss.
- Feeling that life is empty or meaningless.
Complicated grief and trauma
If your loved one’s death
was sudden, violent, or otherwise extremely stressful or disturbing,
complicated grief can manifest as psychological trauma or PTSD.
Being traumatized from
the loss of a loved one can leave you feeling helpless and struggling with
upsetting emotions, memories, and anxiety that won’t go away. But with the
right guidance, you can make healing changes and move on with your
life.
Finding professional help
If you’re experiencing
symptoms of complicated grief, trauma, or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right
away. Left untreated, these conditions can lead to significant emotional
damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can
help you get better.
Contact a bereavement
counselor or therapist if you:
- Feel like life isn’t
worth living. - Wish you had died with
your loved one. - Blame yourself for the
loss or for failing to prevent it. - Feel numb and
disconnected for more than a few weeks. - Are having difficulty
trusting others since your loss. - Are unable to perform
your normal daily activities.
Authors: Lawrence
Robinson and Melinda Smith, M.A.